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Someday, I want to do a post on all the weird search results I’ve gotten on Unsplash over the past few years. When I searched on “no” this AM it was so odd - one option was a happy little kid on a swing - ??? So instead, I present what looks like some shaving cream on fake wood paneling. :) Photo by Daniel Herron on Unsplash
My first approach to this topic was to write something for those people who hate to say no, who say yes to things they don’t really want or need to because they can’t bring themselves to say no. And then I realized that I think just about everyone hates to say no at some level, even “no” people. I’m sure admins out there are familiar with people you consider “yes’ people who are inclined to figure out how to make the thing happen and “no” people who cut new ideas or potential solutions off at the knees. (Tip: All heads should be looking for CFOs who are “yes” people…)
And when I really thought about it, maybe the reflexive “no” is just a way to avoid the extended discomfort of contemplating saying “no” and it feels like the “safer” choice. That’s my theory and I’m sticking with it. Because if you are saying no because it’s your power trip, I can’t help you.
So I decided pretty much everyone might benefit from a few tips around how to say no.
ONE
It’s OK to say no
“Clear is kind” is a thing for a reason. Maybe the worst situation is someone saying yes when they don’t want to do the thing, or don’t have the bandwidth to do the thing or don’t want to disappoint the person who’s asking. Or even, the thing being asked of you isn’t really possible (ie - Let’s budget for double the annual fund for next year!) and you reflexively say yes anyway even though your stomach has turned over. But a very lukewarm “yes” is just a slow moving “no” and it’s going to cause
more problems when you come upon that can that got kicked down the road and you really can’t do the thing, or do it to the level you would like to. There’s a good chance no one will be pleased in the end. So say a polite and reasonable “no” now.
TWO
It’s OK to say no just because you don’t want to
Yep! This. You have the right to say no to something, even just because you don’t want to or it’s not the highest or best use of your time. It’s not your job to make everything as easy as possible for everyone else and most of the time, the person asking will just figure it out one way or another. Or if the thing doesn’t get done, it’s fine.
Saying no can make you feel very vulnerable because you are expressing a need and a boundary. (I for one, like many old school New Englanders, prefer to pretend I have no needs and am completely cool and self sufficient at all times, thank you very much.) That can feel uncomfortable and a little scary. And the worst part can be accepting that your choice to say no creates disappointment. But practice makes perfect.
THREE
You can say “no” to a boss, most of the time
This might feel really weird and will definitely take some getting used to. Unless you work for someone who is very unreasonable (and if you do - you may want to think about that), your “no” will require context and discussion.
If your boss asked you to chair yet another committee because the committee chair bench is so shallow and you think you really need to concentrate on other priorities, ask for some time to think about it and then figure out a way to identify approaching the committee chairship as a discussion about how to address the issue, not about whether or not you should do this. You want to be helpful and support the objective your boss is trying to achieve but if a boss is reasonable, you should be able to steer this towards an engaging discussion rather than feeling like it’s a loyalty test or your work ethic leaves something to be desired.
Sometimes there’s no room to say no and if you are getting that sense, it is perfectly fair to ask your boss: is it a possibility to turn this down or come up with another solution? You can absolutely figure out a way to say this that doesn’t sound as if you’re shirking your job or you don’t respect your boss. It’s a very fair question! And you may not get the answer you want, but it will be clear.
And just to repeat, if your boss is not open to these conversations, it may be time to reflect on what you want in a workplace.
FOUR
If people are used to you saying “yes” to everything, there may be some discomfort when they hear a no
Saying no can change the dynamics of the relationship you have with the person you say no to - and that can also feel a little disorienting and unfamiliar, even if the change is devoutly to be wished. Especially if you are both burned out on being someone who saves the day and you love being someone who saves the day.
FIVE
Don’t second guess yourself after the “no”
You may successfully say no and feel really good about it and then a few days later wonder if the other person thinks you’re a total jerk or you’re lazy or you’re not a team player any more. (Trust me, the person you said no to has probably moved on.) That is your internal critic talking and tell it to keep it down. It may feel like a suit that doesn’t quite fit at first, as most new ways of being are until we get used to it.
For those of you “no” people - I’ve found a lot of no-inclined folks are anxious and concerned that a decision they perceive as high stakes may come back to haunt them. Except it usually wasn’t their decision to make - what they were providing was a recommendation and it was the head’s decision to make. Sometimes that needs to be clarified and although the person may still usually lean “no,” at least she doesn’t feel frustrated and upset when the ultimate answer is “yes.”
There’s never a free lunch and if you get used to saying no and use it judiciously, it may shift the dynamics with those around you. But that is not a bad thing, even if change is genuinely hard. If you’re feeling like you’re always the one who steps up, it can also be a way to create some space for other people to step up instead. And isn’t that good for everyone?
See you Friday with the spring links and resources edition of Talking Out of School - a lot of good stuff lined up, including some unexpected ways AI may impact schools outside of the classroom.