Top Five Tips on Having Hard Conversations vs Resolving Conflict

It might feel conflictual, but sometimes there's nothing to negotiate

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Hi TOOS subscribers!

So sorry for the first ever #TopFiveWednesday. Better late than never? Not only has it been busy in all facets of life in the past week or so, with countries bombing each other, I’ve reverted back to the on alert/monitoring mode I was in back in the winter. Not relaxing! I had a draft of this hammered out yesterday but this topic is a little squirrely and I knew it needed a little more attention before I was ready to share it with you. I hope it’s helpful!

I think it’s important in terms of preparation to discern when you are going into a conflict management/resolution conversation and when it’s you, as the person in authority, delivering news. While there may be elements of conflict resolution skills you can employ and while you always want to be prepared to de-escalate because why throw gasoline on a fire, there are times your ability to do this may be very limited given the bad news you may be delivering.

Earlier this year, I wrote this article about delivering bad news. Recently, in discussing how to manage and resolve conflict, the conversations that initially arose weren’t about really about managing or resolving conflict; they were about having hard conversations with people, either in response to a misstep by an employee or having to deliver bad news, such as a contract non-renewal.

I find this so interesting, quite valid and it has made me rethink some of my workshop material. If “conflict” can be basically defined as “opposition,” I think people have the need to discuss these interactions where there is opposition present, especially in the emotional sense. No one wants to have these conversations - they are an emotional heavy lift and they take a toll.

But although these conversations feel conflictual, there’s only the rarest of chances that this interaction might bring you closer. There is a clear power differential and that there will be no “getting to yes” - there’s no reason for negotiation of any kind because there is no negotiation to be had - some of the basic tools of conflict management aren’t really applicable.

So here a few thoughts on how to discern a conflict from just plain delivering bad news.

ONE

Reflect on the components of the situation and have reasonable expectations for yourself

When are you trying to maintain a level of mutual partnership with the other party, even if it’s challenging? When does it matter that you hear “the other side of the story” and are you open to it impacting your decision? When is it a matter of untangling a bit of a mess to then decide on appropriate next steps and when it’s a matter of being clear, humane and brief?

When an employee has screwed up and clearly violated policy, the only thing you have to “resolve” is to be kind but clear and deliver the information.